Challenging Yourself

Have you ever woken up first thing in the morning about to start another day with the job you have to do to pay the bills feeling unsure of the direction you are going? Doubting your abilities, feeling overwhelmed with getting through the day and fantasising about being away from it all?

Being on that next crazy adventure, lying on a white sandy beach in 30 degree heat with a coconut cocktail. Meeting strangers. Being yourself because you never have to see them again and being careless because you can?

That is me everyday. Here I am at 24, a year and a half out of university with little idea with what I want to do in the long term. I don't know how many of you reading this can relate but it's certainly a challenge for me.

For the past few years I have had some of the most amazing adventures that I had always wanted to do. It started with a decision to volunteer in South Africa in 2014. I was tired of working over the summers between university and basically making next to no money having to pay for bills and food and I envied everyone I knew that could afford a holiday so I made a decision that the next summer I was going to do something I had always wanted to do and get work experience, I thought I may as well do something I enjoy and make no money. I needed help from family and some fundraising but I made it work! I got to go to Africa a place I had dreamed of going.

The trip was so incredible, I got to do amazing things and bucket list experiences that I never thought possible like going on safari and snorkelling with whale sharks and talking to people that I would never normally talk to.I felt like I could do anything I wanted to and it had been a

while since I felt that empowered and have the ability to shape my own future!

So over the next few summers I continued to make travel plans. I returned to South Africa, I volunteered in Thailand and I decided to work in US summer camp and go travelling around America.

Were these trips incredible? Yes! But were they perfect? Hell no! You would think from my Instagram photos that I had the perfect life and I was the most confident outgoing person in the world the truth was there were parts of every one of those journeys that went wrong, some things I hated some things I absolutely loved! And I still plan to do more travelling in the future but what was different about when I was away and when I was at home?

I pushed myself more.

I pushed myself to be more confident to face the challenges I had made the decision to invest all my money for these experiences I would never forget. Why? One, because they felt amazing! Two, it gave me a drive and a sense of direction and a goal. Three, because I didn't want to face the challenges I had to face at home.

What were the similarities?

I still had my issues. I still had money troubles, I still had family problems, I kept thinking about my future and the next step and the next exciting thing I wanted to do instead of just enjoying where I was. I also still had my anxiety issues especially around large groups. Did I push myself more? yes, but did it solve the problem? No I kept putting off and putting off my problems because quite frankly I didn't want to acknowledge them I wanted to pretend my life was perfect and prove to people who aren't even important to me that I was being very successful.

The truth is I don't have a clue where my life is going but my last trip around America made me realise I need to stop running away and I needed to solve the things that were holding me back in life.

I'll give you a little more context of why I fantasise about travelling all the time. I hate working a 9 to 5 job, I hate being in a routine of needing to pay bills, our cold winters the British ideology of you need to have a big career own a big house and a car and make lots of money to be happy etc etc. But it made me hate every part of being home, even the things I loved such as dancing became a chore. I would always talk to my friends about how I wished I wasn't where I was. Did I do something about it well I did go to amazing places yes but again the problem was not solved.

I realised that I was the problem and I realised this during my last trip to America. I was viewing everything at home so negatively and it cascaded into a lot of choices where I associated everything at home as being negative and horrible.

So when I went travelling America I ran out of money towards the end of my trip. I was staying with family for the rest of the trip who were basically paying for everything and I felt horrible! My anxiety was on overdrive, for the first time in a while I wished I was at home because I knew there I could feel comfortable. I could find a job again, I would have my boyfriend to support me emotionally and that I could get help and towards the end of the trip I was just so emotionally drained despite going to some beautiful cities and landscapes.

I remember on the last few days I was with my aunt in Idaho and I told her

" I think I have a lot of issues, I think I may be clinically depressed and I feel like my life is a mess despite all the incredible things I'm exhausted from all the travelling"

and she told me

"When I was your age I went through something very similar. I may have been 29 when I finally decided to take control of my life, I was always at the tail end of everything and everything was uncertain but then I decided to take control and it is when you become the decision maker that you start getting ahead in life. I made a lot of choices in life some good some bad but they were all my choices and I don't regret any of them"

This really stuck with me and when I arrived home I felt like I was ready. I started looking into solutions for my anxiety, I forced myself to get back to dancing and I am back at classes and joined a troupe, I am working two jobs to try and sort out my finances and get me to the next step. I force myself out of bed and try and work on the photography gallery I'm creating and I try and challenge myself everyday and embrace the day.

I go out with my friends more, I am trying to make healthier life choices less drinking, and stopping smoking I am trying to enjoy being at home because life isn't about all the big things it is about the little things. There is a saying that you don't appreciate a moment until it becomes a memory and there were so many memories I had made at home that I had overlooked because I was so focused on getting away so if I could travel the world, swim with sharks, bathe elephants and learn to scuba dive why couldn't I face my own problems?

Not every day is easy but the point is to try and make the most and make the decision to take control and challenge yourself.

The truth is we all have the capability to do anything but we have a choice. They are

little choices and they all add up, if you are afraid of something face it. If you don't want to get out of bed and run in the morning get out of bed you are never going to feel like doing the things you hate, is it easy? No! But you can do it, so I encourage anyone who is reading this to challenge yourself! Be the best you that you can be.